I’ve done this, the primal scream and the mother animal instinct. There can’t be anything more painful, not even death. My son was a normal little boy and a normal young man until schizophrenia came calling. Now I feel so shattered. I love your blog and your diary, Thank you for all you do. JHD

Dearest Dede. Your stories are close to home, APRIL 24, 2014: DEVIANT NORMAL. Going to the dentist. I remember going to the dentist after 3 or 4 years of not going because of the work to keep my son stabilized and alive. I hadn't done anything to take care of myself. I just couldn't. When I finally did go I became a blob of tears when they asked how I was doing. I couldn't answer. All I could do is cry. To this day I hate answering that question. Hope that makes sense. Do we ever get to feeling we can answer that in truth and say, "fine". And mean it. Or am I too hung up on words? Heidi

You’re not too hung up on words, Heidi. IMHO. In some sense, I know l’ll never be “fine” again. What mother is after losing a child? And with SMI, sometimes we lose our children over and over again. Every day is a conscious choice for me to put one foot in front of the other and to try to make my life as whole as I can. Love to you. Dede

Ah, you got me again! Absolutely LOVED the April 22 entry about writing notes and imagining what the recipients experience on their end! So very true!  Beautiful writing, Dede! And, as usual, there was an entry that made me cry (the Kerry one). Much love to you — "Go about your day with a lighter step, a little glow." SS


To read "My Diary" from the beginning, go to "Scenes from the Trenches" June 14, 2017, in the Archives on the right hand side of the blog page. To continue reading, scroll up in the archives from June 14, 2017, and click on each individual diary post. If you have difficulty, message or email me and I'll walk you through it. I didn't know, as I was writing, that I was capturing the last year of my son's life. His voice comes through loud and clear. For me, in these pages, he'll always be alive.

If you're reading and liking "A Mother's Diary," please let me know. I'm building a case for getting it published — one way or the other. Thanks. 

Please share my blog/book with "other wayfarers who might catch a resonating echo while wandering in my woods." Thanks.

May 5, 2014 - May 17, 2014: Jury Duty I * Jury Duty II * Ladybugs * Being Part of It All * Mother's Day * Books and Wolves * Deja Vu * California Chrome

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Pat and me in 1969

Pat and me in 1969