HEART TO HEART by Nikki Landis

It seems to hit me in waves that my life will never be as I imagined. That this is my reality. That so many things I dreamed of will never happen.

I know I'm grieving but does it ever get better? Have any of you settled in to your new reality and have the waves of sorrow passed?

I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I am. My family's been blessed beyond measure in so many ways. I go day to day relatively happy. And then it will hit again and I just want to cry. I don't always get to because there's a little face that needs to be kissed or a little behind that needs to be wiped and I don't want them to see me so sad. But sometimes I just need to cry.

I am such a fighter and that's not always a good thing. I've accomplished so many things that were supposedly impossible, and because that's my nature it makes this harder. I seem to always be looking for ways to figure everything out so we can have the life I envisioned, even when it's not something I should be fighting for anymore. 

I am fighting bitterness. I want to stay thankful and happy and not get ripped up inside by things I should let go. 

Has anyone else beat this? How do you let go of dreams without hating the person with serious mental illness who has stopped those dreams? Or without hating the system that makes it so hard to get better and live life again?

Nikki and her husband, Kevin, who has a serious mental illness

Nikki and her husband, Kevin, who has a serious mental illness