My hands are shaking as I type this.
Update. My son is an inpatient and willingly taking Abilify orally. It's been several days now and he's responding really well to it. Although he continues to have disorganized speech and some delusional thinking, he no longer wants to make me cry and feel pain.
I am so strong during the hard parts. Now that the "worst" is over, for now, I am falling apart. All of those same feelings from the very beginning of this nightmare six years ago are coming back. Some of you know them so well. This is the time, today, right this minute, that I really should have a doctor appointment for myself. It seems that my doctor sees me hold it together so often and for so long that he doesn't think that I need help. Compliments from everyone all the time - "I don't know how you do it." "I'm not as strong as you." "I couldn't do it."
Really? Because who else will do it? For now, I'm going to stay in my pajamas, drink my coffee, and cry and mourn the loss of my son. And the loss of myself.