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Winter beach.

Hope you have a good weekend everybody!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO by Emma's Mom

Today, my thirteen-year-old daughter, Emma (not her real name), was diagnosed officially with reactive attachment disorder (RAD). Prior diagnoses are PTSD, ADHD, ODD, OCD, personality disorder, and anxiety. In November, she was hospitalized for saying she was going to kill herself. She had to stay in the facility for two weeks until she was “self-aware."

I am my daughter's fourth mom. Her biological mom and dad had drug issues and her mom had schizophrenia. She and her siblings were taken away when she was a baby. Her foster mom sat her in a high chair all day in front of the TV. She was removed from that foster home because of abuse. My husband and his ex-wife adopted Emma when she was three. My husband's ex is an alcoholic and didn't nurture her adopted daughter. She was verbally abusive and no longer has a relationship with her. I have been in her life for three years. I love her and treat her as if I gave birth to her. Life with her has been challenging and sometimes exhausting.

Emma pushes me and her sisters away and has no close friends. She’s never invited anyone to our house. She's manipulative and a pathological liar. She digs her heals in big time when she’s caught. She has a nasty attitude when she's moody. I swear she looks possessed at times. 

The last couple weeks seemed like she was finally letting her guard down with me. We were doing great. Then, just like every time she starts improving, she sabotages herself. Her teachers told us her foul language is a problem. During her IEP meeting, we agreed that, if she were to swear in front of a teacher and cuss again, she would wear a uniform to school. Her school doesn’t wear uniforms. This is the only thing that works with her. So a week later she told the teaching assistant to F-off. She was suspended from school. 

My husband told Emma she'd be wearing her uniform when she returned to school. She said, "I don't care." Because it’s cold, we adjusted her uniform to beige pants, a polo shirt, and a cardigan. It was not the usual skirt, so it was no big deal for her. When my husband said he was buying her a plaid skirt, she broke down crying. She said, "I'm sorry." We didn't give in.

The following day our daughter went to school and confided in the lunch lady. She said my husband is abusive, she’s afraid to go home, and that she plans to run away. Needless to say, we got a phone call from the school. I explained she is being manipulative and my husband is the nicest man alive. Because of their history with her, I think they believed us. It’s been a week and Child Protective Service (CPS) hasn’t shown up. Yet.

Saturday, we had a family meeting to inform the kids that one of them put our family in danger of being split up, that CPS could come. We wanted Emma to see that her actions affect everyone around her. Five of our six kids cried. She just zoned out and played with her lips. My husband cried as he told her he’s never felt so stabbed in the back by someone he loves. Her real brother asked her how she could be so selfish. He remembers foster care and it was horrible. He was beaten with a belt and locked in his room all day. He said, "Our foster parents didn’t love us but they (my husband and I) love us." She had no reaction. We chose to ignore her and not let her consume all our energy.

Monday, Emma tried to manipulate her teacher into calling us to talk us out of making her wear a uniform. Her teacher knew what she was doing and instead informed me of the conversation. That night Emma came back from confirmation class at church and told me she doesn’t believe in God. Every Sunday she turns the switch on when we get to church. She looks like the most pissed off person with an attitude. She has a victim mentality and cannot see blessings in front of her.

Last night, at dinner, Emma was awful. She refused to answer my husband when he spoke to her. She rolled her eyes a lot and ignored him. My husband asked her, "Why are you treating me like this?"  She said, "Because you can’t do anything. You made a promise to the judge you’ll take care of me forever when you adopted me." He asked her, "Do you want to be here?"  She said, "No, but I have nowhere else to go."

We live comfortably and Emma has no idea what hard is. When she’s not in one of her pissy moods, she can light up a room, but she's an attention hog and takes over every situation.

Today, when we went to her therapist's office, Emma showed everyone her true colors. She refused to acknowledge her therapist at all so her therapist asked me to fill her in. I told her everything Emma had done including trying to get my husband in trouble. My daughter was so annoyed, she sat as close to the wall as she possibly could. Her therapist decided to call her superior in. The new therapist said, "I'm sorry, but we shouldn't be talking in front of your daughter." She asked to speak to Emma alone in another room. As she left the room, Emma looked back at me and smiled as if she'd won. The counselor said, "Don't worry, my superior will see right through her. She's told me that your daughter has RAD and needs intensive counseling. I'm not sure we can do that here."

When the senior therapist came back into the room, I said, "I can't do this anymore. Emma consumes our entire family. We have six kids and five of them aren't getting the attention they deserve. I have no idea what's going on in their lives and I feel like such a horrible parent. My second wedding anniversary is coming up and I totally didn't realize it." I started crying. Somebody finally believed me. The senior therapist is going to get Emma intensive counseling and set us up with in-home family counseling. A peer group will come and take Emma out of the house for three hours a week to give us a break. 

After the appointment, Emma was in her total bitch mode. I dropped her off at school and the rest of the day I've been emotionally drained. I've cried like I lost somebody. I have little hope for Emma's future. I don't know what to do.

Click on link: Information about RAD (Mayo Clinic)

HAPPY PIC

Holding wings.

Hope you have a good weekend everybody!

THE WORLD HAS LOST A MOTHER OF PERPETUAL DETERMINATION by Mary Sheldon

The world has lost a Mother of Perpetual Determination (MOPED), a fierce advocate for people with serious mental illness (SMI), and a mother who lost her son, Farron, through neglect in prison. SMI is often criminalized and, in 2007, Farron was suffering SMI which resulted in his tragic, avoidable death.

As Farron's mom above all else, Mary's love and pain were channelled into successfully advocating for SMI in Alabama and nationally. Mary was truly one of the best. My experiences with Mary came well after I had witnessed her greatness and had grown a deep respect for her work.

One day, out of the blue, Mary sent me a message. She said she saw a lot of herself in me, perhaps with more grace, as she witnessed me taking on the anti-psychiatry people. Huge compliments came from this great woman and she grew my confidence enough for me to join in the national fight for decriminalization of and better treatment for people with SMI.

I will forever work in honor of you, Mary. I, as you, will never give up, will never give in, and will always use my mama emotions to motivate my advocacy. You are now reunited with Farron which is all that eases my pain. I miss you beautiful warrior mama. Rest easy now.

Mary Barksdale's family has requested donations be made to Parents for Care, in memory of this beautiful spirit.

See Mary Barksdale's posts on this blog:
Losing Farron - October 26, 2016
My Holiday Story - November 22, 2017

Mary's boys: Will, Farron and Phillip

YOU F*#KING NEED TO GET INVOLVED by Amy Swartz Kerr

The school shooter in Florida has now met the standard for commitment to receive psychiatric treatment in the USA: Do harm to oneself or to another.

Why are we surprised this shooting has happened? Why are we surprised these horrible events continue to happen? He cried out for help and was a "problem" student since middle school. He wasn't allowed to carry a backpack to school before he was suspended.

After Sandy Hook, congress commissioned a report to find out what happened. They found that commitment laws need to be changed, that treating people with mental health issues actually prevents tragedies like this. Treated mentally ill people are harmless. In fact, they're more often victims then perpetrators. Those who don't get treatment are society's biggest dangers. 

Many parents with kids who have mental health issues cannot get help for their children. They have to wait until their children try to hurt themselves or someone else to get help. Many sit in ERs waiting for beds to open. Many will be turned away, sent home, no meds, no treatment. Those who are admitted usually don't spend more than four days as inpatients because insurance companies won't pay for more days. Once a child reaches 18, HIPPA laws lock parents out as caregivers and the system makes it even harder to get help.

I know I've been an annoyance with mental health requests — please sign this petition, please call your congressman. Maybe now you understand you f*#king need to get involved and do something. 

I think and pray about this everyday but I advocate, too. How about joining me? Now.

Photo credit: Duq/flickr

LETTER FROM TRAVIS IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT by Travis Christian

2-15-18

Dede,

Thank you for writing me. I'm dealing with some spiritual issues. It's easier to just give up than it is to fight. I've got myself in trouble and now I have to face the music. Honestly, I don't like the song. But that's life. 

My life is a wreck. It's not going to be easy to keep it together. Isolation just accelerates my mental/spiritual illness. I don't believe in mental illness. Well, in my case, I know my problem is a spiritual problem. I'm in isolation because I hit a psych tech. Who does that?

I'm learning about myself. It's painful. I wasn't let out of my cell today. I could complain all day but it's not going to change anything. I'm just trying to be strong. 

So what happened to Patrick? I appreciate your reaching out to me. I know my mom is fighting her butt off for me. She told me your son died. I'm sorry to hear that. So what does your blog do?

I believe I have a mental illness. I'm scared I won't get help. I'm afraid I'm going to die. I don't know what to say. I can't concentrate. I regret hitting that psych tech. I need help. I feel like I'm dying. I need to be positive.

I hope you're well. Good luck with your blog and book. I'm thankful to be alive still. I want to live. Nice meeting you. Thank you for your prayers.

Travis

Travis can receive cards and letters. No books. Thank you so much.

Since this post, Travis, due to health reasons, has been moved. His current mailing address is the following:
Mens Colony
Travis Christian
cdc#bb8099
Mental Health Crisis Bed
PO BOX 8103
Colony Dr.
San Luis Obispo, California
93409

Letter from Travis 2-15-2018

THANK YOU FROM NEW ZEALAND

Just as I began to wonder if my blog and our stories are making a difference, I received this message from New Zealand:

"My beloved son, Ben, has severe paranoid schizophrenia. He's 22. I live in New Zealand where there are no facilities to help him except medication. He's made to have monthly injections as he has no insight into his illness at all. He also has terrible drug and alcohol abuse and I'm his only support as no one wants him around. I found this site last night when I was feeling so hopeless and I read all night - every story - and cried my broken heart out. I just wanted to thank all of you because I really, really needed you and you are what helps in the dark times."

Thank you, everyone, for speaking out and sharing your stories on Sooner Than Tomorrow. Thank you to all of you who read our stories and pass them on.

Photo credit: Jen Collins/Flickr

HAPPENING NOW: I AM LIVID. SHAKING by Heidi Franke

I took my youngest son, Mitchell, to the hospital last night for paranoia and visual hallucinations. Upon my return home, my oldest son showed me a gun his brother purchased a week ago. No one had told me about the gun before.

I am livid. Shaking. Waiting for the police to take this weapon of destruction away. The gun was not reported stolen, but it could be. The police say there are gun owners who don't write down serial numbers so, when it's taken into evidence, they can't trace the owner. The most bewildering thing to me is how much the senior police officer doesn't seem to know about Utah's gun laws. I'll call the detectives next week and ask them to pursue finding the person who sold the gun to my son. It was an illegal sale as my son has no ID. 

The hospital was going to release my son this morning. When I told Mitchell he couldn't come back to live with me, he had a melt down and the hospital realized how sick he is. Now, they're transferring him to an inpatient psych hospital that has an open bed. He has to be stabilized on meds. The hospital crisis worker called and she "got it." She was perplexed about my son's access to a gun with his history. I also reminded her of his suicide attempt 2 years ago. She was calling about his health insurance. The Medicaid he has under mental health disability needed to preauthorize Mitchell's admission to the psych hospital. If my son didn't have Medicaid, he'd have a much harder time getting admitted.

I feel traumatized but can't really place the emotions anywhere. So many what if's. I'm lucky we're all still alive. My son was so psychotic last night. My husband said, "I'm glad Mitchell didn't try to shoot the aliens trying to get into his mind by shooting off bullets in the house."  Mostly my son would have taken the gun to his brain to get rid of the intrusive thoughts.

Guns are out there being sold folks. We must have stronger restrictions. It won't be perfect but, my God, what value do you place on a child's life? Your child's life? Put your guns in caskets, not our children. Our nation is a mess full of freaking a-hole cowboys and mental health care that is a tragedy. Innumerable parents and guardians are trying, behind the scenes, to get help for our children. Many, many of us. Yet we feel powerless to change this abysmal system with its lack of beds for treating our mentally ill. And I'm a nurse who knows the system well. 

My son is a beautiful young man inside and out. He's just seriously ill with a brain disorder. I love him so much.

See Heidi Franke's post - I LOVE MY CHILDREN - February 14, 2018.

Mitchell at 12, two years before life changed for him. He loved to climb.

HAPPY PIC

Focus.

Hope you have a good weekend everybody!

I LOVE MY CHILDREN by Heidi Franke

My youngest son, Mitchell, remains at home with us and is trying so hard to feel well. He's been manic and short tempered. He's now highly aware of his illness and has felt depressed about having bipolar, anxiety, and schizoaffective disorder. He said he joined an online support group for people with bipolar disease. That is a first. Sometimes I question the schizoaffective diagnosis, but there is so little we truly know about the brain and it's machinations. 

Mitchell is always apologizing, now, after an outburst. This shows me he gets it. Before he held onto his dark angry moods. Brooding. I'm grateful he's not on the streets as he's been before. He would likely die. One time, while rambling through a rail yard, he was talked out of walking into an oncoming train by another homeless person. Something about age 23 seemed to add some healthier neuronal pathways this last year.

Mitchell's started back on Seroquel again. Though he smokes marijuana on a daily basis to help with his extreme anxiety, he says he no longer looks to get high. He says he's found he reaches a plateau with pot. All he wants is to not feel like there's a wound up spring in his head that pulses to every pore in his body. I describe it as such and I know he would agree. I'm blessed because, so far, he shares his thoughts at times. There are many times he doesn't. Those are the things I worry most about. The things that aren't said.

Mitch seems not able to focus and learn recently. He's been trying to send packages back to Amazon and has had trouble learning how to do this. I think it's more related to his short temper (which he, himself, is frustrated about). He's highly critical of himself which creates more anxiety. Circuitous routes of neurons and unorganized, capricious synapses are a hallmark of mental illness.

It's stressful at home with three men - Mitchell, my husband, and my older son. They lack closeness and live in a past of regrets and grudges which really is depressing in itself.  Neither my children nor my husband have been angels but they're all trying. I know you can't change another person. We only have control over our own reactions. I'd rather see the glass half full or get a smaller glass. Dealing with one's own expectations is key to surviving trying times. And being able to laugh.

We need my boys to be independent and we're doing as much as possible to get them there. I, too, am not perfect and wish I had some other quality I might be lacking. But I am who I am and don't want to live with regret should I kick my sons out again and have them die from an overdose or lack of care for their mental illness.

We all do the best we can with what we have at any given time. Housing costs are horrendous for someone making less then $12/Hr, or someone on disability of $750/month. They can't afford health insurance, let alone methadone treatment for an opiate addiction which is what my older son suffers with. It does leave the extended family to help fill in the gaps if they can and are willing.

I can. I'm willing. I love my children.

Mitchell